Refocus

I am not content.  I am not satisfied.  I want more.  I realized a couple nights ago, that I am not happy with myself right now.  I feel like I am status quo, and that is unacceptable.  I have found myself stressed, impatient and unhappy.  I have no reason for these things.  God has poured out His blessings in amazing ways over the past year.  So why do I feel like this?

I laid there the other night thinking about the kind of woman I am and the kind of woman I want to be.  I want to be patient, gentle and consistent with my children.  I want to be a constant source of encouragement and support for my husband.  I want my home to be open to those in need.  I want to utilize my spiritual gifts in the way God desires.  I want to be the Proverbs 31 woman.  And I try to do all of that.  So where is the disconnect?  Because I try.  The passage in Proverbs 31 is not a "to-do" list.  That passage is simply a list of characteristics that are an outgrowth of a godly woman.  It is similar to another famous passage found in Galatians 5:23-23.  The fruit of the Spirit passage.  Neither of these passages are meant to be a list that we try to check off each day.  It should be natural.  A simple out pouring of what is happening in our own hearts.  In my heart.

I got caught up in trying to "do" the Christian life.  Partially because of all the blessings God has poured out on me, I felt as though I needed to then live up to a certain ideal.  If God was going to bless me with a wonderful husband, I, of course, needed to be a perfect wife.  Since God had given the opportunity to stay home with my children and homeschool them, then I had to be the best, most efficient and most creative teacher/mom ever!  Because God had blessed me with a home in which and from which I could minister, then my home must be kept ready for ministry at all times.  I translated that as in keeping it perfectly clean.  Trying to be everything that I felt I was supposed to be absolutely exhausted me.  I was trying to do what I thought was expected of me.  I was trying to please everyone and to be everything I "should" be.  How did that work out for me?  Stress, exhaustion, overwhelming anxiety and so on and so on.  When things started to crack, I kept that smile on my face and just tried harder.  I wanted to have the appearance of a perfect life.  A perfect marriage, perfect children, and a perfect home.  Was I more concerned about how my children looked and behaved at church than what they were gleaning from the Word?  Was I more concerned about keeping a perfect home to minister to others that I neglected to minister to my own family?  Was I so anxious about appearing to have a perfect marriage that I listened to others more than my own husband?

As I laid there in bed contemplating how I saw myself falling short, I started talking it through with my husband.  Saying it all out loud made me realize how many times I said "I, me and my".  I was trying to do it all on my own strength.  I had turned Proverbs 31 into a "to-do" list.  I realized that the reason I was unable to please everyone all the time (besides the utter impossibility of that) was that I was working to please the wrong person.  My eyes were on all those around me.  I watched and listened to all the people in my life and I tried to conform to what I felt they wanted me to be.  But what does Romans 12:2 say?  Does it say to conform to a certain mold that I make for myself or that others make for me?  Not at all.  I love the way the NLT puts it.  It says, "Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."

It hit me like a ton of bricks.  I needed to stop trying to "do" the Christian life.  I needed to simply focus my eyes on Christ alone.  I had put all the focus on myself.  What foolishness!  When I focus on Him, He will teach me to walk in His ways.  He will guide me as I try to train my children.  He will open my eyes to new ways I can serve and help my husband.  He will give me the opportunities to minister.  Does this mean that I need to keep my house perfectly clean?  No.  Does it mean that as an outgrowth of my desire to honor God with my time that I will try to run my house efficiently?  Yes.  But in His strength.  Not mine.  Does it mean that I ignore the day to day dealings of life in some holier-than-thou pursuit?  Not at all.  But I can allow Him to guide me in the little day to day things.

I will never be perfect, no matter how hard I try.  I can serve a perfect God, though.  He will lead me and direct me.  Psalm 37:4 says, "Commit everything you do to the Lord.  Trust Him, and He will help you."  Psalm 119:37 states, "Turn my eyes from worthless things and give me life through Your Word."  I need to let Him set my priorities.  I need to allow Him to lead me through each day.  If He is my focus, He will not let me miss the important things.  If He fills my heart, His love, patience, joy and strength will naturally flow from it.  After all, Psalm 46:10a says, "Cease striving and know that I am God."

Simple Woman's Daybook January 2, 2012

Outside my window... there is snow falling softly.  It's just now beginning to look like Christmas!

I am thinking... of all the things I hope to learn ~ canning, sewing, more gluten free cooking/baking techniques, etc.

I am thankful... that I have a husband that supports my desire to learn the above mentioned things!

In the kitchen... there are fresh cinnamon rolls ready for devouring and a roast cooking in the crockpot.  I LOVE my crockpot!

I am wearing... jeans and a turtleneck sweater.  We just got home from grocery shopping.

I am creating... ummm . . . I don't know that I'm creating anything right now.  Except maybe hunger pangs in my children.  This roast smells soooo good!

I am going... to throw my sewing machine out the window!  It has been giving me fits today and for a novice, it is rather discouraging!

I am wondering... how my hubby is doing and if he is staying warm enough.  His sciatic nerve is creating problems for him again, yet he's still out milking cows.

I am reading... Gluten-Free Baking Classics and looking for inspiration for my extended family.

I am hoping... to grow in patience and in knowledge when it comes to the "blessing" of my sewing machine.

I am looking forward to... Wednesday when we get to host our church's mid-week prayer service at our home.

I am learning... that when my son asks for help, he doesn't really want me to help, he just wants me to watch him figure it out.

Around the house... it is quiet and surprisingly calm.  I am very tempted to curl up and read a bit.

I am pondering... the many blessings God has poured out on me.  I have a beautiful, simple home, a husband that is better than I could have imagined, an extended family from whom I have so much to learn and that I adore greatly, two children that are the light of my life and a wonderful church family that truly is family.

A favorite quote for today..."He's a beagle.  It will take many years for him to stop being a puppy." Speaking of our dog Shiloh as we discussed his latest adventure.

One of my favorite things... my husband's voice.  He loves to sing and there is nothing sweeter to my ears.

A few plans for the rest of the week: Still going to work on those corn heating bags if I ever get my sewing machine back in operation; preparing to host prayer meeting; starting up homeschool again after Christmas break; planning the details for January birthday presents; and possibly a very long-awaited date night with my husband!

A peek into my day... I fought with my infamous sewing machine for a couple hours, my dad helped to install a headboard on my daughter's bed, I managed to stay within budget on my first shopping trip in our January Challenge and I made scrumptious cinnamon rolls of which I froze most to use throughout the month.  The downer of the day was my husband coming home in pain from his sciatic nerve.  I'm always glad when he gets some extra rest, but I hate seeing him struggle this way.  The man is ridiculously stubborn!

Here is a pic of my stubborn bobbin that has caused me so much grief!  I actually emailed this to a friend to see if she could tell me what was wrong.  Nope.  We were both left scratching our heads!

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The January Challenge

For the month of January I am imposing a reality check on our grocery budget.  Lately it has gotten way out of hand.  I thought back to my budget as a single mom and quickly realized that there was a dramatic difference.  I used to pride myself on how low I could keep my food budget.  I shopped almost solely at ALDI and like stores.  Presently, I find myself shopping more at our local grocery stores and even Walmart more than ALDI.  That is a quick way to add extra $$ to the budget.  Now, I will say, that I do feel that we eat better now than we have in the past.  Due to my son's health issues, I have always had to be very cautious about getting enough fruit in his system.  He needs to have 4-6 full servings a day of fruit and only one of those servings should come from juice.  I used to depend more on canned fruit and applesauce and such, but now we indulge in a lot more fresh fruit.  That is a big change.  When I was a single mom, fresh fruit was a rare and oh so special item.  Even now fruit is still pretty much considered dessert at our home.  Most of the time I make some sort of a fruit salad with dinner and that is the last thing the kiddos get to put on their plates.  That being said, our food budget was still way over the top.  I knew that I had to pare down.
That brings us to my January challenge to myself.  I am determined to feed our family of four for the month of January on $150.  That breaks down to about $37 a week.  Phew, even typing that overwhelms me a bit.  I have done it on less though, so I know it is possible.  Now in full disclosure, I have a freezer with quite a variety of meat.  That will dramatically help in keeping costs down.  I spent some time taking inventory of our freezer last week in preparation for this.  It took about 2 hours and some good gloves.  I also usually have a well-stocked pantry, but with the holidays, it has really taken a hit.  Some of my staples are running low heading into this month, but that's okay.  I do have 6 quarts of fresh homemade applesauce that my mom and I canned on Saturday, so that helps (it was seven quarts, but we already demolished one whole quart!).  I must say that I long for the day when I walk into my pantry and I see jar after jar of fresh fruits and veggies all nicely canned.  There is something so special about hearing that pop when you open up a jar.  It is as though you are releasing summertime into your kitchen.  Until that day of a beautifully stock pantry arrives, I must rely on what my grocery store offers.  I spoke with a friend of mine yesterday about this little challenge and she (being a wonderfully frugal mom) suggested that I simply buy the fruit that is on sale at ALDI.  Now, being a gal that feels the need to plan out her menus two weeks in advance, it can be difficult to wait and see what is on sale once I get to the store to figure out what I am going to feed my family.  I have determined that I will still plan out my menus, but with a big asterisk for the fruit part of the dinners.  If I see a great deal on fruit, I can scoop it up and simply substitute it for the fruit that was planned.  Plus, I can go online (they don't mail out their ads) and check out the ALDI ad before I head out so I have an idea what to look for when I'm there.  So, can I do this?  Can I feed the four of us well balanced meals, 3 meals a day and snacks on $37 a week?  I am going to give it my darndest!
The little unexpected kink that has been thrown into all of this is that Sunday morning (after I had already determined to do this challenge) one of our pastors approached us about hosting our mid-week prayer service at our home again for (wait for it!) the month of January!  (If you remember, we are out of our church building and we are currently a "gypsy" church!)That might not seem like it is related at all, but please realize that I am a girl that feels the need to offer some sort of food to any potential visitor to my home.  I don't know why, but it just doesn't seem right to have people in my home and not have them munching on something.  The last time we hosted prayer meeting I provided freshly baked cookies, clementines, pretzels and other little goodies.  With this challenge, I am either going to have to set aside my desire to play hostess, or I'm going to have to get very creative as to how I am going to make this work.  We shall see how this all works out!!
Now there is a part two to this challenge as well.  Although I am not enforcing a strict toiletry budget (that hasn't been blown out of whack like the grocery budget), I am banning myself from Walmart.  It is simply too convenient as it is right around the corner and has pretty much anything I could want or need.  The problem is that it is also too easy to go there for three items and walk out with ten.  So for the month of January there will be no Walmart for this lady.  The only exception is their pharmacy as that is where I go for the children's prescriptions.  This will not be easy.  This will take some planning on my part.  I can't wait until I am out of something and then run up to Walmart to get it.  I will be relying on stores that are in town, so I will need to make good use of my trips to town.  There was a day that I lived by the thought that if I couldn't find it at ALDI or Dollar General, then I didn't really need it after all.  For the month of January, we will be pretty close to that!
So I start off today on this challenge.  I will finish planning out my menus for the next two weeks with my freezer inventory in hand.  I will learn to be more flexible with our fruit choices and I will put aside my fear of serving a vegetarian meal every once in a while.  If I can get enough time, I will even post our menu plan for the next two weeks.  This morning I am starting off with a bang though and I will be making a big batch of cinnamon rolls to freeze.  This is a new recipe and I am so anxious to try it.  It won't seem like we are really cutting back when I get to greet my hubby home for breakfast with freshly baked cinnamon rolls throughout the month!



~I would love to hear thoughts and tips from any readers.  Am I crazy to try to make this work?  Do you think I can still cut back more?  Let me know!

The Dough of 2011

I forgot it was the new year.  I jumped out of bed this morning (after my alarm went off for the 3rd time) once I realized all I needed to get done in the first few hours I was out of bed.  I had to start my husband's work laundry (being from the farm it all soaks in the washer for at least 10 hours), get the meat out to thaw for today's dinner, wrap two presents (hubby's family is celebrating Christmas today), wash dishes (I was exhausted last night and we somehow ran out of hot, even warm, water last night!) and prepare the dough to make 3 loaves of bread.  The bread was the most critical one.  With all the rising and falling and rising again that it needs to go through, I had to have that dough made by 5am.  I got it done by 5:02.  Close enough!
As you can tell, I had no time to waste when I got up.  I got crackin' on my list and was bustling around the kitchen for almost an hour when all of a sudden it hit me that it was now 2012!  I felt like I should be very contemplative at that moment, but my mind just jumped on to the next thing.
Now that I have a moment in between my "to-dos" I can think back.  It has been a year of tremendous joys, but there has been great heartache mixed in as well.  As I look at it all now, I can't help but compare it to the bread dough I made this morning.  The dough that is rising on the dining table right now is mainly composed of flour.  That's just the day to day moments that fill the majority of our time.  There is also a smidge of salt.  Now, I don't know that too many people would want to just dig into a bowl of salt.  It would horribly dry up your mouth and could even feel like it was burning your throat going down.  The salt I could say, would be the heartaches of this past year.  On it's own it may not be pleasant or something we desire, but God allows those heartaches to season our year.  The yeast is an easy one.  That would be the great joys of this year.  There were only a few events (our wedding, the birth of two babies, etc . . .) that would be considered great joys, but it greatly changes the rest of the year.  As just a little yeast permeates the entire loaf of bread and makes it all rise, so even a few great joys sprinkled throughout the year creates joy in our day to day to make it a joy-filled year.  The last thing I add is water.  Without the water there is just a bowl up of differing ingredients that although they are mixed together, they create absolutely nothing useful or of beauty.  The water works all things together to create something good.  Remind you of anything?  "And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose." Romans 8:28.  God is the water.  God through His Holy Spirit and His Holy Word, work in our lives to take all the events and moments to create something good.  When we rely on Him, when we allow Him to work in us and to shape our perspectives, wants and desires, He alone can make it all work.  He gets us through the heartaches.  He brings tremendous moments of joy to our lives.  He sustains us in our day to day with the very air we breath.  Without Him, this past year would be a useless bowl of dry mix good for nothing at all.  With Him, this year has been a great creation of blessing that when it goes down, is warm and soothing to the soul.  Only God can mix just the right amount of each ingredient and give it just the right amount of "rises and falls" to make something useful out of our lives.  And every loaf of bread is a little different.  They all have different seasonings and can be made into a variety of shapes.  But He knows what we need when we need it.  If we allow Him, He will make us good, whether it's a light french bread or a hearty sourdough.
As I head into 2012, I pray that I continue to let God be the creator of all things beautiful, good and useful in my life.  I pray that while I relish the joy He brings, I also allow Him to add the salt when needed, knowing that He will never add too much, and that He will work it all together for good.

Simple Woman's Daybook December 31, 2011

A friend of mine utilizes The Simple Woman's Daybook in her blog.  I love the way it forces you to slow down for a moment and take in all that is around you.  I thought I would give it a try so here it goes! 
 FOR TODAY ~ December 31, 2011


Outside my window... it is still dark outside.  It is rather chilly and I am keenly aware that my husband has already been working for over three hours out there.


I am thinking... I hope all the work my husband and I have done for a special present will be appreciated.  It has taken quite a bit of time and it is something so personal and from the heart.


I am thankful... for my husband that joyfully gets up every morning at 3:10am to go milk the cows.  He never complains, but is almost always found singing.  I am incredibly blessed!


In the kitchen... I am finishing up my meal planning for the next two weeks on a significantly reduced budget (I'll post about that tomorrow).  I am thoroughly enjoying a nice shiny stove top after a couple hours of scrubbing and waxing!


I am wearing...sweatpants and a thermal top.  We live in an old farmhouse and it gets chilly in here!


I am creating... I am hoping to create corn heating bags for the family.  I still have to figure out how to thread this sewing machine though!


I am going...to my mom's house to making applesauce today.  We were blessed with a large gift of apples from Kentucky!  This will be my first canning experience as an adult.  I have so much to learn!


I am wondering... if I will ever be the woman I feel my husband deserves.  


I am reading... The Resolutions of Jonathan Edwards.  It is convicting to say the least!


I am hoping... to have a great time and really connect with my son, Michael, today as we go on a "date".


I am looking forward to... resting my head on my pillow tonight knowing that God has blessed us tremendously this year.


I am hearing... my son whistle while he cleans his room and my daughter talking to herself in the bathtub!


Around the house... it seems so bland.  All the Christmas decorations are put away and the house seems to have lost something.  It gives me a desire to create more things!


I am pondering... what an amazing journey 2011 has been for me.  I got married, moved, became a stay-at-home mom, started homeschooling and began to discover that I actually can be somewhat crafty after all!  And I enjoy all of it!  I wonder what 2012 holds.


One of my favorite things...is the super thick quilt that tops our bed.  It helps to keep me warm when it's only 60 degrees in our bedroom.


A few plans for the rest of the week:  Sew corn heating bags, begin our "snowball" pom-pom wreath, start back into school and possibly host our church's mid-week prayer meeting.


Here is picture for thought I am sharing... I pray that I never get too busy being a "good mom" to take time for impromptu trips with my kiddos.

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My New Year's Resolution ~ starting Dec. 29th

I'm not a big fan of New Year's resolutions.  It seems to just give people an excuse to put off changes they know need to be made until the "magical" hour.  Plus, most of the time the resolutions are too grand and lofty without any practicality and don't seem to stick much past February.  However, I do think that anything that causes you to reflect on your life and areas that you need to improve is definitely a good thing.  
One of the things God has been laying on my heart lately is the 24 hours He allots to me each day.  Every morning I get a fresh start and approximately 16 hours (give or take depending on sleep schedules) to do with whatever I please.  Some days I am more efficient than others.  There is not one day that I can claim that I am perfectly efficient.  Each day I waste some of the precious time God has given me.  
Lately, I have become more aware how 10 minutes here and 10 minutes there can so quickly add up to hours lost.  Now please understand, I am all for down time and getting sufficient rest (even if that means a nap when needed).  I'm not talking about scheduling every moment of every day.  That is just as bad in my opinion.  What I am talking about, is making the moments count and being wise in my use of time.  There are so many time wasters in our home.  Between the phone, the computer and TV, there is always something that calls to pull my attention from what matters even for "just a minute".  There are days when those "minute" interruptions turn into half an hour or even more!  And that time adds up to more and more till the end of the week and I'm left frustrated because I didn't get everything done that I should have and tired/exhausted because I didn't get enough sleep.  It shames me to even say that, but it's honest.  
The past month has been worse.  I can try to blame it on the holidays, but in reality, I have just let things slide.  I am usually a religious list maker.  My dad (who successfully ran his own business for 30 years) was an avid list maker.  I remember as a child in elementary school being asked by my dad what was on my "punch list" for the day.  I thought it was so odd then, but now I see the tremendous value to it.  Every day I saw his list sitting on the kitchen table.  What a great example he left me!  That being said, I haven't made a to do list in about 2 weeks!  That might not seem like a big deal to some, but for me, that means that I'm not getting much done.  If I don't have a goal set in front of me when I start the day, it is way too easy to flit and float through the day and not accomplish half of what I could be doing.  Well, today that changes.  I'm not going to wait till the magical January 1st.  I have already made my list and have started crossing things off (what glorious satisfaction there is in crossing things off!).  I am determined to honor God with my time.  To put Him first in all I do includes how I manage my day.  If I have planned ahead, I can be more efficient and therefore offer something better to my God, my husband and my children.  In this simple way, I can be a better wife and mother, and isn't that the goal for which I am always striving?
So I will finish this post and cross off another item on my to do list.  At the end of the day, hopefully my list is complete.  But even if there are a couple of items left till tomorrow's list, I can be satisfied that I made a plan, accomplished much, and utilized my time wisely.